Picking my brain sometimes puts me to sleep...

Blah... okay perhaps today is not the best day to write... but I am trying to be diligent in writing something.

Hmmm... what to write... this entire blog may be my thinking process on coming up with something to put down on the proverbial page.

Okay, this is sad. Some journalism major I make.

Oh! That sparked something actually... perhaps not interesting, but it is kind of life changing for me.

I may graduate a semester late! WHOHOO! *only slight sarcasm intended*

I met with my academic adviser today and discovered that I have 20 hours to complete for my degree. Well... I have one semester left according to my 4 year plan. And since I also have to work about 10 hours a week to pay for rent and essentials like food, I will soon be skipping over to the financial aid office to see if it is possible for me to stay for another semester.

A year ago, I would have been distraught, but I am hoping that it works out that I get another semester at JBU because I absolutely love it here. We shall see...

Alright, since this is obviously not a thrilling night, I think I am going to head toward the direction of bed.

And just wait, the punchline is that as soon as I sign off my mind will start working with the speed of a toddler on crack.... oh the irony... And no, I do not take drugs nor do I advocate giving drugs to children.

Later

Emotional Vomit ... not as bad as the real stuff

Again and again people have told me to write out my feelings and experiences. I wonder if I ever will learn to listen. Today I am. But generally I bury each emotion until I am a cannon waiting for the spark to ignite the emotional rampage. So here are the after effects of emotional vomiting. 

Last night I found myself sitting alone... in the fog... in an empty parking lot of my university's intramural fields... crying out to God.

As a side note, I find it ironic that my humorous side reveals itself quite vividly when I am in the throws of emotional release... I was a smidge punchy.

So I sat there, cold and unfeeling at the same time. I waited in silence at first, allowing the chill of the evening to seep into my very bones. Then in a torrent of tears, the floodgates opened and out came the wretched cries of a confused, scared, lonely and heartbroken little girl.

I may be a woman at the age of 21, but I swear when such powerful emotion takes hold, I feel as though I am a child without any ability to accurately communicate my heart and mind. There are no words to pinpoint the chaos that rages within me. I want to explain myself, but frustration builds as I continuously try and fail to contain my feelings in the confines of the human tongue.

So I sat and talked to God, rather I yelled at him. For some, that may seem ludicrous and, yes, a bit insane. Well, call me crazy because I poured myself out on that asphalt. I begged God to talk to me. I pleaded with him to tell me what I am missing in character, direction, aspiration, appearance... basically everything. I wanted him to send someone to tell me what to do. Weeping, I begged that he send an angel, a friend, a stranger, even my car to tell me what my next step was. I acknowledged that I am a screw up... a HUGE screw up; that though I want to be, moment by moment, walking the path that God sets before me, I fail miserably.

On this path I feel blindfolded with arms outstretched. It seems that each bump in the road sends me sprawling on my face. Arms scraped, hands bloodied, face stained with dust and tears. Brambles creep on the path, tearing at my flesh. My feet are cracked and raw, slowly dragging in an agonizing limp that betrays my exhaustion and pain. I ask myself time and time again, "Lord what kind of path have you laid before me?"

I am sure anyone reading this who does not have a relationship with the Lord Christ Jesus is probably ready to bolt from anyone saying that this is the life of one living in the Good News. You may think I am insane.

Actually my agony is only the beginning. Back up to the moment that I was emotionally upchucking in the parking lot.

I waited and waited for something or someone. I wondered if God would honor his child's request of comfort, or if I would wander home drained and disappointed. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw sandaled feet walking toward me. My heart momentarily stopped. Was an angel coming to give me a word from the Lord?

Instead, a young lady sat next to me and placed her hand on my back and began to rub in circles and asked if I was okay. The tears poured out with more gusto, if possible. This young woman, a student at my university and a freshman, was the tool the Lord used to comfort me. With kind words she encouraged me and placed before me the reality that the Lord works in mysterious ways. She hugged me, a stranger with weepy eyes and sniffling nose. She said to sleep.

I got in my car, tuned to the Christian radio station KLRC 101.1 and heard the song Beautiful by Mercy Me.
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/beautiful-lyrics-mercy-me.html ]

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

And praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

Needless to say, I cried again. I may be walking a path that is perilous and painful, but thanks be to God above, I know that I am treasured, sacred and his. He loves me enough to bring a stranger to comfort me in a ridiculous place like a fogged out parking lot in a tiny town in Arkansas. He loves me enough to remind me in song that the hard times of the past and present and future are what make me strong, and that I am NEVER walking the path alone. 

 I hope anyone who reads this will understand me a bit more (sorry if that is a bit scary lol... imagine being me!) and perhaps you will be uplifted or convicted. This is just my Visible Heart.

I'm back home, sitting at my computer waiting for a friend with only one contact in... yep I'm a little strange. Oh well. I am happy to be home. Southern California weather is far more preferred to Arkansas weather. :) And I get to spend time with my wonderful family. My mom and grandma picked me up from the San Diego Airport Wednesday evening; then we went to dinner then back to the airport to pick up my brother Noah from his first semester in college. It was a blast seeing those I love laughing and smiling and hugging. I don't care if it sounds cheesy. It was soothing after a 2 weeks of projects, papers, all-nighters, and finals.... I will write more soon, but this whole "wearing only one contact" thing is driving me crazy and going to give me a headache. :) God is good.

well here i am again. and i have figured something out this evening... i still have a broken heart, however it isnt shattered, more like cracked in multiple places and missing some pieces. this makes my heart VERY fragile, and when people speak flippantly of things such as sleeping around, divorce, relationships, etc. those cracks are pushed and they continue to grow. my question is, "how have i been living with this and not realizing the problem?"

I'm crying and i dont know why... perhaps it is simply b/c it's that time of the month, but i really believe there is more... i fear God's anger with me, like the fear of a dad after deliberate disobedience. then i want his presece soo badly i crave a tangible touch so much that it breaks my heart. then i read part of the shack and start crying again about man's judgment of God and His judgment of love for us.... then to top it all off i still fear losing my mom, no i dread with my whole being that she will be taken from me.... im a wreck, a horrible wreck, with no explaination as to the real reason why... so i sit here at 2:37 am and cry and type... what does it all mean? i long for a hand to wipe away my tears, to say something that makes sense, and to comfort me with rubbing my back or stroking my hair... i want Him to be tangible... o i want Him to be rangible soooo much i ache... so i'll head to bed and pray that He'll come and give me what i so greaty desire... and let me know what it is while He's at it

TEXAS

OK, so i have now experienced the Lone Star State... hahaha i must now be an American according to some Texans :) well i really like it here, its more beautiful than i expected and the family I'm staying with is AWESOME!!! thanks to the Wiese family :) so far I've been able to sleep in, window shop, have Starbucks, go to a dinner theatre, and am currently watching twilight *yeah* with my friends. so not much to say at the moment but I'm sure there will be more :) but spring break has started!!! :D

Yeah I'm blogging :)