Two falling stars... and a cemetery.

Two falling stars and a cemetery, great title huh? Well that sums up my last hour and a half or so pretty succinctly. 

The events of the evening are as follows:

1. Work from 2:30-5:50
2. Prep for my school's amazing traditional Toilet Paper Game for the first home basketball game
3. Threw toilet paper all over the gym :)
4. Watched the game for a bit
5. Went to Bible study, and actually got to participate in the study part rather than be 2 hours late due to classes (I'm not bitter *dripping sarcasm*)
6. As I left, saw the first falling star
7. Drove back to school and stopped at the cemetery across the street
8. Saw the second falling star and had a tearful talk at God... yes another one, and yes in another random location
9. Headed home, but had to drive around a bit to get a good view of the humongous harvest moon that graced the horizon
10. Sat down to blog. After all, I had an awesome title for this one.

Now I sit and wonder about the significance of the stars and my untimely stroll amongst gravestones. Perhaps it means nothing at all. But let me take you there with me for a second. Maybe we will find some meaning together. I promise there are no ghosts or goblins wandering amongst these graves; just a girl, shivering in a rainbow stripped blanket with her iPod playing MercyMe's song Beautiful.


The stars are brilliant in the expanse of deep space, some gaudy while others humbly remain just past the eye's gaze. A breath, once warm in my chest, passes my lips as a cool mist, and another follows it. My shoulders tremble a bit with the chill and arms clasp the blanket's threads as close as skin. And with slow steps I proceed into the resting place of the dead. It's peaceful and silent, the souls below having spent all there words. But my life is not spent, so the words flow seeking seeking an ear to hear their woes and thanks. The dead are deaf, and the stars are too far above me to comprehend. So I look up and listen as the song dancing through my head sings...

"Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death."

 http://www.metrolyrics.com/beautiful-lyrics-mercy-me.html

There is the destination of my words, the ears of the one who went to the grave so that I could yell, plead, and complain in one frosty breath, and give him thanks in the next.

Letting go... shifting the object of my deliverance

Well, reading past posts I have come to a conclusion... I am a sad little person!

The reality is that I am not emo, I am not depressed (very often) haha. I am someone who feels deeply, both in joy and in pain. I just write about the pain more than the joy.

I suppose that writing about the bad is easier than writing the good. Perhaps it is because we want others to empathize with our problems more than our joy. That is not a healthy habit we humans have. Sure, we want people to laugh and be glad with us, but I believe that when we are hurting, we really want the attention of others. We use our relationships as lifelines, and who needs a lifeline when floating on cloud nine?

Yes, our friends can serve as life preservers because we trust with them and lean on one another as situations call for. There is nothing wrong with that act of reliance. However, when we let ourselves go limp on our lifelines, they sink with us. This is unhealthy for any relationship.

Think of the purpose of a life vest or a life preserver. They are temporary fixes, things to get your head above the water and prevent the initial drowning. When sinking into the depths of life's chaos, we grasp frantically for something to hold onto. Our friends are there, our first line of defense. And we hold on tightly. But at some point you have to let go of the life preserver because the Life Saver has swum through the chaos to reach you and pull you to safety. Flailing and fighting Him is dangerous. Your friends are there for the moment, holding your head above the water, but they cannot deliver you. They are fighting life's pull too. Beware, by expecting your friends to save you, you place them within easy reach of drowning themselves. The only being who can deliver us is the One who as fought those chilly depths Himself and won.

I am speaking to myself as well. I am queen of this habit. 

Let's let go of our relationships. Stop expecting their support to save us. Understand that they serve their purpose as ordained by the Life Saver, but true deliverance and salvation comes with releasing them and clinging to Him.

Have a great day everyone!!! Eyes on Jesus - the greatest Lifeguard the world has or ever will know.

Life's Dance... a few lists and a smidge of poetry

Ok, so much for being consistent about blogging... haha

So here's what's new... Yes, this will be more like a list of things done and things to do, but maybe it will be interesting. I sure hope so.

Events of Friday
- Biology lab: a mitosis and meiosis lab O_o
- Magazine writing class: learned about marketing
- Public speaking presentation: a monologue from Freedom Writers, a favorite movie of mine
- Shopping with a dear friend for Halloween costume paraphernalia, STARBUCKS ^_^
- Viewed the Rocky Horror Picture Film for the first time... @_@ I am scarred for life, though I learned that Barry Boswick was my mom's best friend's uncle.
- Watched How To Train Your Dragon with friends ^_^ awesome movie!

Events of Saturday
- Slept in
- Ice skating with friends ^_^... so much fun!!! I love the speed and fluidity of movement, unless you fall haha
- Worked from 6-11pm >_< bleh
- WalMart run - Had a friend put highlights in my hair  

Events of Sunday
- Visited Bedside Baptist Church aka... didn't go to church, yes I was a heathen that day
- Washed laundry
- Congratulated a housemate on getting engaged
- Chapel (AMAZING)

Events of Monday
- Magazine class... must do a project due Wed., must refurbish 1000-word magazine piece, and must interview for my next piece (3000 words = O_o YIKES)
- Had an emotional conversation with a friend
- Biology: learned nothing because I didn't pay attention, rather I mapped out the rest of the week
- Public speaking: learned that on Wed. I have to give an extraneous speech aka VERY little prep time
- Meeting with PR and Mass Media prof
- Newspaper meeting
- Gave a massage
- Grabbed "dinner" aka McDonald's
- Settled down in the local cafe to do homework and found myself blogging...

So a new week has begun. And I am not tired exactly, which is a little surprising to me. I am tired in the sense that life is weighing heavy on me and I am at the point of wondering how I will continue, much less finish this race. And I ponder at the quality of the race I am running...

I don't know... I really don't know about anything. I question if I ever did.

Maybe that is how God is trying to get a hold of my attention, by ripping the carpet out from under me and removing any illusion of balance I used to have..

Here is part one of a poem inspired by the previous day's events...

Life's Dance by Elizabeth Chance 10/25/2010

Unbalanced and spinning,
I anticipate flesh meeting the floor.
Grasping at nothing is dizzying.

When did this dance begin?
When will my lips and ground collide in an unholy kiss?
The scenery tilts again.

Colors and light blend and bend.
My eyes try to fix upon a point
Desperate now to land...

Picking my brain sometimes puts me to sleep...

Blah... okay perhaps today is not the best day to write... but I am trying to be diligent in writing something.

Hmmm... what to write... this entire blog may be my thinking process on coming up with something to put down on the proverbial page.

Okay, this is sad. Some journalism major I make.

Oh! That sparked something actually... perhaps not interesting, but it is kind of life changing for me.

I may graduate a semester late! WHOHOO! *only slight sarcasm intended*

I met with my academic adviser today and discovered that I have 20 hours to complete for my degree. Well... I have one semester left according to my 4 year plan. And since I also have to work about 10 hours a week to pay for rent and essentials like food, I will soon be skipping over to the financial aid office to see if it is possible for me to stay for another semester.

A year ago, I would have been distraught, but I am hoping that it works out that I get another semester at JBU because I absolutely love it here. We shall see...

Alright, since this is obviously not a thrilling night, I think I am going to head toward the direction of bed.

And just wait, the punchline is that as soon as I sign off my mind will start working with the speed of a toddler on crack.... oh the irony... And no, I do not take drugs nor do I advocate giving drugs to children.

Later

Emotional Vomit ... not as bad as the real stuff

Again and again people have told me to write out my feelings and experiences. I wonder if I ever will learn to listen. Today I am. But generally I bury each emotion until I am a cannon waiting for the spark to ignite the emotional rampage. So here are the after effects of emotional vomiting. 

Last night I found myself sitting alone... in the fog... in an empty parking lot of my university's intramural fields... crying out to God.

As a side note, I find it ironic that my humorous side reveals itself quite vividly when I am in the throws of emotional release... I was a smidge punchy.

So I sat there, cold and unfeeling at the same time. I waited in silence at first, allowing the chill of the evening to seep into my very bones. Then in a torrent of tears, the floodgates opened and out came the wretched cries of a confused, scared, lonely and heartbroken little girl.

I may be a woman at the age of 21, but I swear when such powerful emotion takes hold, I feel as though I am a child without any ability to accurately communicate my heart and mind. There are no words to pinpoint the chaos that rages within me. I want to explain myself, but frustration builds as I continuously try and fail to contain my feelings in the confines of the human tongue.

So I sat and talked to God, rather I yelled at him. For some, that may seem ludicrous and, yes, a bit insane. Well, call me crazy because I poured myself out on that asphalt. I begged God to talk to me. I pleaded with him to tell me what I am missing in character, direction, aspiration, appearance... basically everything. I wanted him to send someone to tell me what to do. Weeping, I begged that he send an angel, a friend, a stranger, even my car to tell me what my next step was. I acknowledged that I am a screw up... a HUGE screw up; that though I want to be, moment by moment, walking the path that God sets before me, I fail miserably.

On this path I feel blindfolded with arms outstretched. It seems that each bump in the road sends me sprawling on my face. Arms scraped, hands bloodied, face stained with dust and tears. Brambles creep on the path, tearing at my flesh. My feet are cracked and raw, slowly dragging in an agonizing limp that betrays my exhaustion and pain. I ask myself time and time again, "Lord what kind of path have you laid before me?"

I am sure anyone reading this who does not have a relationship with the Lord Christ Jesus is probably ready to bolt from anyone saying that this is the life of one living in the Good News. You may think I am insane.

Actually my agony is only the beginning. Back up to the moment that I was emotionally upchucking in the parking lot.

I waited and waited for something or someone. I wondered if God would honor his child's request of comfort, or if I would wander home drained and disappointed. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw sandaled feet walking toward me. My heart momentarily stopped. Was an angel coming to give me a word from the Lord?

Instead, a young lady sat next to me and placed her hand on my back and began to rub in circles and asked if I was okay. The tears poured out with more gusto, if possible. This young woman, a student at my university and a freshman, was the tool the Lord used to comfort me. With kind words she encouraged me and placed before me the reality that the Lord works in mysterious ways. She hugged me, a stranger with weepy eyes and sniffling nose. She said to sleep.

I got in my car, tuned to the Christian radio station KLRC 101.1 and heard the song Beautiful by Mercy Me.
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/beautiful-lyrics-mercy-me.html ]

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

And praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

Needless to say, I cried again. I may be walking a path that is perilous and painful, but thanks be to God above, I know that I am treasured, sacred and his. He loves me enough to bring a stranger to comfort me in a ridiculous place like a fogged out parking lot in a tiny town in Arkansas. He loves me enough to remind me in song that the hard times of the past and present and future are what make me strong, and that I am NEVER walking the path alone. 

 I hope anyone who reads this will understand me a bit more (sorry if that is a bit scary lol... imagine being me!) and perhaps you will be uplifted or convicted. This is just my Visible Heart.