I'm late. I'm late... for a very important date!

Who wants to know something life changing?

If you don't, then stop reading.

Honestly, I already though I understood this concept. Yet, the re-presenting of this truth struck me as genius, freeing and still slightly depressing.

Are you intrigued yet?

Ok.......... here it comes.......... ready or not...........

Are you going to throw something at the screen if I use another ellipse?

Fine....... drum-roll please! Da Da Da dadadadada........


"Rushing through life is not the magic trick that congers up more time."

Are you disappointed? Because personally, I felt like I had been hit by lighting. This is reality: My "Speedy Gonzalez on crack" habits and attitudes do nothing to change the fact that there are only 24 hours in a day. And my chasing life, as if I can change that fact, is killing me.

The kind of habits and attitudes I refer to are not when I am using my time for constructive purposes. Rather, they are the habits and attitudes that skew my priorities, and that have me performing at a mediocre level so that I can scrunch in more activities (all of which receive only mediocre attention and execution). These are the habits that rob me of truly experiencing life to the fullest, that prevent me from tapping into my relationships, and allow no time for restorative rest.

This point is not about using time productively, nor is this a plug for more Facebook/Twitter/Hulu/Netflix time. It is merely me presenting you with a fact of life that most of us Americans deny. We thrive on devices that make things go faster, from high speed internet, to mobile phones, microwaves, expressways, fast food... the list is extensive. I wonder if we even take the time to remember what we've done in the last month, the specifics rather than general observations.

Our society is rooted in success, this "American dream" that comes at the cost of strong communication skills, mature relationships with friends and family, our moral and ethical convictions, and the joy of life itself. We function under this belief that once this "dream" is attained, we can stop and smell the proverbial roses.

Yet, life draws to an end, and the chapters of our lives read like a resume rather than a story. The secondary characters were means to an end. The main character never succeeds in his/her quest, because too late they understand that their racing to the destination robbed them of the adventure of the journey.

Please understand I admittedly am preaching to the choir here. I am convicted by this truth. This insanity has to stop, or I will look back on my life and weep, as will you.

Stop chasing life, rather start living it.

La da da... Hmm? Wait... what priorities???

It's been awhile, my apologies to anyone who reads this blog. So here is what I learned today... I have SCREWED UP priorities... who knew? I sure didn't.

I was at church this morning and got another one of God's handy 2 x 4s to my head. I swear, that one of those is far more efficient in getting the point across than a lightning bolt.

So here is my honest to God list of priorities while at college... let us see where I've gone wrong.

1. School/Friends (basically the same time commitment in college)
2. Work (which is sad because I don't like my job)
   
3. Family
4. Free Time (my time to regain/retain a bit of sanity)
5. Chores 
6. Sleep
7. Church
8. Food
9. Exercise
10. God

I am ashamed. This is the first time I have ever written down my priorities honestly. Yes I am  21 years old and just now doing this. I am slow, I get it. (I am sure my mom is shaking her head at me right now haha). So what have I learned?

I need a priority makeover.

I wish it was like Boom! Voilà!!! Se magnifique!!! But it isn't that easy. See, these patterns have formed after years of repetition. Ugh! So what needs to change? Some people will say, put God at the top of your list.

My response: an emphatic NO.

Now before you pick up some rocks to stone me or start screaming "Heretic" or "you go girl" or whatever, listen to the core of what I learned this morning.

Yes, my priorities are screwed up and I need to fix that. But the real problem is that I have made God something to mark off my list as completed, dealt with, etc. God is supposed to be the center of my life and my very sustenance. God does not just get a quadrant of my brain, a piece of my heart or a corner of my soul. All of my heart, mind, soul and strength belong to him. He bought it with the precious blood of his Son Jesus Christ. His transforming salvation is pretty pointless if I only allow him a small, and obviously unimportant compartment of my life. He should be present in every category.

Here is my goal-list of priorities...

1. Relationships (family and friends) & God
2. Health (food, sleep, and exercise) & God
3. School & God
4. Work (job and chores) & God
5. Free Time & God

I must say that this list looks a whole lot simpler, less stressful and much more beneficial to my whole being (heart, mind, body, and soul).

What about you? Where are your priorities, and be honest. Dishonesty encourages bad habits rather than rectifying them.

Two negatives make a positive... WHAT???

AHH!!!

Oh math, you are a fiend. But sometimes you make sense. Still, I must say that grasping the concept of negative becoming positive has always been a bit of a struggle. But today, I got it!

Today my mom was declared cancer-free. That is right, CANCER-FREE. Now I am sure many of you did not know that my mom had cancer. Well here is a little background information...

Picture this...

Freshman year of college. In a new state, at a new school, few friends and all only weeks old, a roommate that left school, all alone and mom is going into surgery. The day passes and anxiety sets in; the call should have come an hour ago. A call comes and the voice on the other end says, "The doctors found cancer."

End scene.

To say that that semester sucked would be a radical understatement. At that point I understood the concept that negative plus negative equals NEGATIVE.

A year passes and with it came chemo and financial hardship. And my mom fought... NEVER, will anyone call my mom a quitter. And the Lord blessed us. Positive was added to the negative.

Them my mom received news that after her most recent surgery she was in remission! Finally the equation ended positively.

Since then my family and I have been so grateful, but it would be untruthful to say that all worry and anxiety went into remission too. Other negatives still make their way into the equation of life and it is hard to have total confidence that it will resolve to a positive end.

Fast forward another year and again my mom's scans are negative again, a total positive! (yes I am being punny)

I think I am beginning to understand something... and maybe you will too...

Life is a complex equation, stringing together a treasure trove of positive and negative experiences along the way. We are all on a unique spot of that strand, some in positive situations and others, negative. Looking at another person's equations will do one of two things:

1. Evoke an emotional response to their stage of solving it.
2. Learn from the manner in which they handle the situations. 

What do you do when you see someone prospering or failing? In what what do you look at them?
I hope that when someone sees me in any circumstance, rough or easy, they see a confidence of a positive end result. I will tell you now that that confidence will not be of myself, I am not that secure in my math abilities.

I know that good will be at the end of this life because Jesus Christ is the great Mathematician, who ordained my life and promises in his holy Word - Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose." (NIV)

Look at it this way... For each bad situation (a negative) I get to multiply it by another negative (the shedding of Christ's innocent blood) and the equation will always be positive. I win!!! =D

Foregoing the soap on this expletive... D*****!

DAMN IT!

Now, before you judge me for my offensive language or even brush over that "D-bomb," I know, not at catchy as "F-bomb," as unimportant... please read further.

Dictionary.com defines the word damn a few different ways:

     Verb

1. to declare (something) to be bad, unfit, invalid, or illegal
2. to condemn as a failure
3. to bring condemnation upon, ruin
4. to doom to eternal punishment or condemn to hell
5. to swear at or curse, using the word "damn"

     Interjection

1. (used as an expletive to express anger, annoyance, disgust, etc.)

Then UrbanDictionary.com has a different definition, quite simply "the all purpose word"

Maybe you are wondering why I am using a blog to yell "damn it" to the world. Well here is the short version...

My dad is paralyzed, and has been so for 10 years. That sucks, beyond words can express. But the last couple years have been incredibly rough with long bouts of time in the hospital with all kinds of issues, from blood clots in his legs and lungs to another broken back to infection in his pelvis... Damn it!

His body is broken. Have you ever known true brokenness? Think about it. Have you fought each day to wake up and live out the day, only to fight the same battle the next day? Have you ever been so depressed that sleep is the only escape, but even your dreams are tormented by the excruciating pain? Have you been in chronic pain? I pray you have not, nor ever will experience this. I would not wish this on anyone.

Well the events of the past 10 years have brought my family to this current point in time and my dad is facing more surgeries and yet another Christmas in the hospital; this is the second year in a row and I believe the 3rd/4th time in the last 10 years. Oh, did I mention that Christmas is my dad's birthday? Damn it!

Alright, enough of this specific four-letter word. Let me introduce another... LOVE. I don't care if it sounds cliche. Deal with it. Because I have never met someone who has better demonstrated my God's sacrificial love.

I have a father who fights each day, with each new trial and hardship. He loves me and my brother. He opens his eyes, gritting his teeth with each spasm that threatens to throw his body to the ground, to be there for us. That, my friends is LOVE of the purest kind. He pushes his body to lived in this situation that is...

1. bad, unfit, invalid
2. a failure
3. ruined, condemned
4. hellish
5. a curse

... because he LOVES. He sacrifices the right to end it all, to slip into death, because he lives by a four-letter word that doesn't have to be bleeped out with ****.

My story might mean little to you if you don't know Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord. You might see my dad's strength as the fulfillment of man's potential to strive and survive. I agree that he is a strong man and has a tenacity that puts many to shame. But my dad is here today, dealing with these damned circumstances, because he relies on the strength of our God. His fortitude is not of man's creation. He has not let go of life because God is not through with him. My dad is no stranger to frustration and the words "Damn it!" But what sets him apart from so many, and what I hope to achieve in my life, is the ability to say DAMN IT to the circumstances and keep living by this four-letter word - LOVE.

So, quick question... Yes, I know I just asked you a lot of questions and gave you a lot of information; work with me... Why do you say "damn it?" 

Two falling stars... and a cemetery.

Two falling stars and a cemetery, great title huh? Well that sums up my last hour and a half or so pretty succinctly. 

The events of the evening are as follows:

1. Work from 2:30-5:50
2. Prep for my school's amazing traditional Toilet Paper Game for the first home basketball game
3. Threw toilet paper all over the gym :)
4. Watched the game for a bit
5. Went to Bible study, and actually got to participate in the study part rather than be 2 hours late due to classes (I'm not bitter *dripping sarcasm*)
6. As I left, saw the first falling star
7. Drove back to school and stopped at the cemetery across the street
8. Saw the second falling star and had a tearful talk at God... yes another one, and yes in another random location
9. Headed home, but had to drive around a bit to get a good view of the humongous harvest moon that graced the horizon
10. Sat down to blog. After all, I had an awesome title for this one.

Now I sit and wonder about the significance of the stars and my untimely stroll amongst gravestones. Perhaps it means nothing at all. But let me take you there with me for a second. Maybe we will find some meaning together. I promise there are no ghosts or goblins wandering amongst these graves; just a girl, shivering in a rainbow stripped blanket with her iPod playing MercyMe's song Beautiful.


The stars are brilliant in the expanse of deep space, some gaudy while others humbly remain just past the eye's gaze. A breath, once warm in my chest, passes my lips as a cool mist, and another follows it. My shoulders tremble a bit with the chill and arms clasp the blanket's threads as close as skin. And with slow steps I proceed into the resting place of the dead. It's peaceful and silent, the souls below having spent all there words. But my life is not spent, so the words flow seeking seeking an ear to hear their woes and thanks. The dead are deaf, and the stars are too far above me to comprehend. So I look up and listen as the song dancing through my head sings...

"Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death."

 http://www.metrolyrics.com/beautiful-lyrics-mercy-me.html

There is the destination of my words, the ears of the one who went to the grave so that I could yell, plead, and complain in one frosty breath, and give him thanks in the next.

Letting go... shifting the object of my deliverance

Well, reading past posts I have come to a conclusion... I am a sad little person!

The reality is that I am not emo, I am not depressed (very often) haha. I am someone who feels deeply, both in joy and in pain. I just write about the pain more than the joy.

I suppose that writing about the bad is easier than writing the good. Perhaps it is because we want others to empathize with our problems more than our joy. That is not a healthy habit we humans have. Sure, we want people to laugh and be glad with us, but I believe that when we are hurting, we really want the attention of others. We use our relationships as lifelines, and who needs a lifeline when floating on cloud nine?

Yes, our friends can serve as life preservers because we trust with them and lean on one another as situations call for. There is nothing wrong with that act of reliance. However, when we let ourselves go limp on our lifelines, they sink with us. This is unhealthy for any relationship.

Think of the purpose of a life vest or a life preserver. They are temporary fixes, things to get your head above the water and prevent the initial drowning. When sinking into the depths of life's chaos, we grasp frantically for something to hold onto. Our friends are there, our first line of defense. And we hold on tightly. But at some point you have to let go of the life preserver because the Life Saver has swum through the chaos to reach you and pull you to safety. Flailing and fighting Him is dangerous. Your friends are there for the moment, holding your head above the water, but they cannot deliver you. They are fighting life's pull too. Beware, by expecting your friends to save you, you place them within easy reach of drowning themselves. The only being who can deliver us is the One who as fought those chilly depths Himself and won.

I am speaking to myself as well. I am queen of this habit. 

Let's let go of our relationships. Stop expecting their support to save us. Understand that they serve their purpose as ordained by the Life Saver, but true deliverance and salvation comes with releasing them and clinging to Him.

Have a great day everyone!!! Eyes on Jesus - the greatest Lifeguard the world has or ever will know.

Life's Dance... a few lists and a smidge of poetry

Ok, so much for being consistent about blogging... haha

So here's what's new... Yes, this will be more like a list of things done and things to do, but maybe it will be interesting. I sure hope so.

Events of Friday
- Biology lab: a mitosis and meiosis lab O_o
- Magazine writing class: learned about marketing
- Public speaking presentation: a monologue from Freedom Writers, a favorite movie of mine
- Shopping with a dear friend for Halloween costume paraphernalia, STARBUCKS ^_^
- Viewed the Rocky Horror Picture Film for the first time... @_@ I am scarred for life, though I learned that Barry Boswick was my mom's best friend's uncle.
- Watched How To Train Your Dragon with friends ^_^ awesome movie!

Events of Saturday
- Slept in
- Ice skating with friends ^_^... so much fun!!! I love the speed and fluidity of movement, unless you fall haha
- Worked from 6-11pm >_< bleh
- WalMart run - Had a friend put highlights in my hair  

Events of Sunday
- Visited Bedside Baptist Church aka... didn't go to church, yes I was a heathen that day
- Washed laundry
- Congratulated a housemate on getting engaged
- Chapel (AMAZING)

Events of Monday
- Magazine class... must do a project due Wed., must refurbish 1000-word magazine piece, and must interview for my next piece (3000 words = O_o YIKES)
- Had an emotional conversation with a friend
- Biology: learned nothing because I didn't pay attention, rather I mapped out the rest of the week
- Public speaking: learned that on Wed. I have to give an extraneous speech aka VERY little prep time
- Meeting with PR and Mass Media prof
- Newspaper meeting
- Gave a massage
- Grabbed "dinner" aka McDonald's
- Settled down in the local cafe to do homework and found myself blogging...

So a new week has begun. And I am not tired exactly, which is a little surprising to me. I am tired in the sense that life is weighing heavy on me and I am at the point of wondering how I will continue, much less finish this race. And I ponder at the quality of the race I am running...

I don't know... I really don't know about anything. I question if I ever did.

Maybe that is how God is trying to get a hold of my attention, by ripping the carpet out from under me and removing any illusion of balance I used to have..

Here is part one of a poem inspired by the previous day's events...

Life's Dance by Elizabeth Chance 10/25/2010

Unbalanced and spinning,
I anticipate flesh meeting the floor.
Grasping at nothing is dizzying.

When did this dance begin?
When will my lips and ground collide in an unholy kiss?
The scenery tilts again.

Colors and light blend and bend.
My eyes try to fix upon a point
Desperate now to land...